STR † THE FREEDOM BLOG

Notice something different - that’s right, there’s no ‘PFC’ in front of my name now - I’m not working for Uncle Sam any more: I got an honorable discharge on account of a bullet that hit me in the arm. It was a freaking mess, but I guess God was not yet ready for me to go to the shooting-range in the sky, no it’s all part of God’s plan to keep me doing good work in that hell-hole called Iraq.

So I spent some time in Walter Reed where they stitched me up real good, and while I was resting a guy in a suit offered me a new job with a fat raise, my own Taser and an armored Suburban: folks, I’m sure you guessed it - you are looking at Blackwater’s newest consultant.

Look ma, no hands! This is a cool prank - we pretend that there’s nobody at the wheel and we are out of control. It really freaks the hadji truckers out, but the driver is just hiding out of view.

I’ve been hand-picked to work for America’s leading private security firm, and let me tell you this sure beats the heck out of the corps. I ain’t gonna disrespect the Marines I served with, but when you work for Blackwater there’s far less rules and regs that stop you getting your mission done - it’s great the way the Iraqi people really respect Blackwater, I guess they know about all the good things we do for them, even if the liberal media back home does not.

My team - dispensing justice on the streets of the green-zone. Notice how we all wear black - but in truth, you can wear what you want. I’d like to dress like a ninja or a hunter, but mostly I stick to the regulation T-shirt, pants and ray-bans because it’s too hot for anything else!

If there’s one problem with working for Blackwater, the folks we protect from the terrorists are ungrateful - we used to defend this woman called Janessa Gans - she’s an up-tight professor type who never used to laugh at our jokes. I lost count how many times we saved her sorry ass, but as soon as she got back she wrote a hateful story about our team.

She completely misreported the event - for starters, we had no choice but to disable the vehicle, they were driving suspiciously slowly on one of our patrol routes. Furthermore, they failed to react to our warning shots. What she does not understand is that in Iraq, almost anybody could be a potential threat, that’s why you’ve got to be ready to to take pre-emptive defending action any time a potential threat source approaches.

But hey, it’s not all bad news: The other day, I finally learned exactly why God is keeping me alive. I knew he had a purpose for me. Blackwater just got in a bunch of these, and let me just say these are the most freaking awesome things EVER:

Meet Gunbot: The ultimate urban pacification droid! We’ve been asked to test these babies out, and they are freaking awesome. It’s basically a fully automated assault-rifle but with a vibration canceling sniper-scope. Mostly we used it to kill stray dogs and camels, but pretty soon I’m going to be first in my team to kill a terrorist with it.

The great thing about Blackwater is that you can really express yourself in your work - for example my manager (it took me weeks to get used to that word) Tex wears a black cowboy hat and always carries a pair of black six-shooters just like a real Texas Ranger. ( Of course he always carries a standard issue assault-rifle, He’s not stupid! ) The only rule is that you gotta wear black - that’s our color.

It’s freaking awesome working in Tex’s possee and being part of Blackwater - I guess it’s just like the old wild West! Someday people will recognize us as heros (just like Oliver North), but until then It’s my job to keep fragging the Terrorists for Jesus.

See you Soon

Michael Rob (Consultant)