MySQL: The harpooned dolphin
Did you read last week’s big IT news: According to many of our sources, Sun Microsystems has bought a little known database maker called MySQL. You might not have heard of this company, but it’s product is very popular amongst the Linux community where it was the number one choice for people who choose their technology based on ideology rather than technical features.
The old MySQL logo, designed by the same Linux freaks who gave the world that fat penguin. Once the Sun take-over is complete I doubt we will be seeing much of this dolphin, he will be replaced by Sun’s familiar logo.
Many of our readers are wondering what this corporate power-play means for American business: The answer is that it will not have a significant impact simply because most companies who took time to evaluate which database product to use might have identified the potential threat to business of adopting an open source technology.
According to the Linux fan community, MySQL has a reputation for speed and reliability, however our attempt to independently verify these claims did not confirm what the open-sourcers believe. Within minutes of installing MySQL server on my Windows Vista workstation I experienced a complete system crash. According to Microsoft’s technical support, this crash would almost certainly not have occurred had I been using their SQL server product.
Dolphins harpooned to be eaten as meat - a sight not unfamiliar to residents of savage nations. There are some who claim that certain species of dolphin may become extinct… What does this remind you of?
It seems that this threat has come true; MySQL were once considered a mainstay of the ?Open Source? software movement. They took pride in bundling their software with almost any Linux operating system that was willing to sign-up to their viral GPL license. According to leading industry analysts these caring-sharing days are soon to end as Sun will be looking to monetize their somewhat questionable investment.
MySQL lacks many of the enterprise features of rival database products like Oracle, and Microsoft’s industry standard SQL server. MySQL is seen by most IT professionals as a poor man’s choice on account of the fact that it does not include a modern graphical user-interface (commands must be typed in via an obsolete command kernel). The image above shows MySQL running on a mac - it’s not very impressive is it?
These days businesses have modern tools such as Microsoft Access. Why on earth would anybody prefer MySQL?
Most industry analysts predict that Sun’s MySQL grab will prevent future releases of their product on Linux, Mac and Windows. It’s a giant bait and switch campaign in which customers who got hooked in my MySQL’s summer-of-love free for all, suddenly find themselves with a big bill to pay and nowhere to run:
Customers who wish to continue using MySQL will need to switch to Sun’s expensive hardware and software if they wish to continue operations. It is somewhat questionable how much profit this highwayman strategy will yield. Sun’s operating system is based on UNIX, invented by the SCO Group. Unfortunately, even SCO have been forced to admit that customers no longer want UNIX.
Also, it’s worth pointing out that MySQL is the M in ‘LAMP’ the somewhat popular open-source alternative to Microsoft’s ASP.Net. This could herald the break-up of the once happy LAMP family as giant corporations hurry to strip the assets from this once promising application stack. MySQL are the first to go… what about Perl (the P in LAMP).
Smart businesses will do what Shelley The Republican does: Keep it 100% Windows and keep buying American. It’s the only way to survive in these turbulent times.
Jimmy
40 Comments so far
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Jimmy,
thanks for your article. You are a great educator!
Quote: Smart businesses will do what Shelley The Republican does: Keep it 100% Windows and keep buying American. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s the only way to survive in these turbulent times.
Damn right we are. We pay for the most reliable hosting we can get which is Windows Vista. It’s more stable than the all the others and no hacker will ever be able to “hack” us.
God bless Microsoft!
Shelley N. Goodman
P in LAMP stand for PHP, and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
poor boy
So, I guess you’ll have to pay something for your MySQL-License, too? Must be kind of hard for you that wordpress only runs with MySQL..
However: At least you run some Microsoft components on your server: The Frontpage Plugin for Apache ;)
btw.
Could anyone please tell BBN that Atheism is NOT a religion :) (See the red bar on top)
Jimmy,
one point of criticism though:
You wrote: Dolphins harpooned to be eaten as meat - a sight not unfamiliar to residents of savage nations.
I don’t think that is fair. Mr. Goodman and I ate a lot of dolphin meat when we were on vacation in Mexico and it tastes delicious! Why not eat dolphin meat? It’s very healthy, too!
Marc,
our wordpress works with windows, it’s an altered version.
Shelley N. Goodman
This is incredible news! Hopefully SUN will kick-out those ‘open source’ weinies and replace it with a proper copyright that can be distributed in a closed model instead of this ‘free for everyone’ Copyleft nonsense. What next, corporate buy-out and control of the linux kernel? We could only be so lucky….
Always Right
God bless you, “Always Right”,
my dad always said: “Stuff that doesn’t cost anything, isn’t worth anything” and it’s oh so true. Linux and Mqsql users live under the impression that they use up-to-date technology but they are really not. They are stuck somewhere in the technological stone age. Such morons.
Shelley N. Goodman
Dear Shelley,
I never claimed that MySQL doesn’t run on Windows. No problem with installing Wordpress on Windows, either.
Yet, speaking of altering, maybe you should alter your Server-headers, since they clearly state that you’re using UNIX ;)
Apache/2.2.6 (Unix) mod_ssl/2.2.6 OpenSSL/0.9.8g DAV/2 mod_auth_passthrough/2.1 mod_bwlimited/1.4 FrontPage/5.0.2.2635 Server at http://www.shelleytherepublican.com Port 80
Yours sincereley,
Marc
So, I guess you?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll have to pay something for your MySQL-License, too? Must be kind of hard for you that wordpress only runs with MySQL..
However: At least you run some Microsoft components on your server: The Frontpage Plugin for Apache ;)
Marc - we do not run Wordpress, we run a similar package called Wordpress.Net. It’s based on ASP.Net and Microsoft Access which means it is rock-solid and hacker proof. Please do not go spreading lies about STR. We would not use Perl software like Wordpress which has been written by drug-users, foreigners and terrorists.
Jimmy
Yet, speaking of altering, maybe you should alter your Server-headers, since they clearly state that you?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢re using UNIX ;)
Once again, you are deluding yourself. Our web-site uses HTML pages. We do not need headers.
Okay, let me see what that *windows* crash screen says… Oh you’ve blurred out the error message, hmmm Why would you do that??? I know your just trying to cover up your virus infection. Oh, and Sun Microsystems, (the leaders in development of any kind really) Have the most kick ass OS ever, Solaris 10 that shows up both Mac OS, Windows, and any other linux distro.
“Our web-site uses HTML pages. We do not need headers.”
Ah, DUH!!! The whole web is based off of HTML, but the server your site is on has to have an OS to handle your site itself, that is Unix. I’m an HTML coder myself. BTW, for some reason, your page keeps requesting Apple Qucktime ActiveX scripts, I thought you consider Apple “evil” even though I’m running Mac OS 7 Classic on my pen drive XD.
Link48010
obviously you know nothing about technology. You should just shut up and read Jimmy’s articles. This is a HTML website and it’s hosted on Windows Vista. You can see that here: http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/2008/01/22/mysql-the-harpooned-dolphin.ASPX…. see.. ASPX that means Windows Vista hosting! Even I know that.
No, please stop bothering us with your hateful, know-nothing attitude.
Regards,
Shelley N. Goodman, President ShelleyPAC
Always Right : “This is incredible news! Hopefully SUN will kick-out those ?¢‚ǨÀúopen source?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ weinies and replace it with a proper copyright that can be distributed in a closed model instead of this ?¢‚ǨÀúfree for everyone?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ Copyleft nonsense. What next, corporate buy-out and control of the linux kernel? We could only be so lucky?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.”
I doubt that Sun will close the source of MySQL. First, I’m not sure there have the right to do that. Second, Sun recently made Java open-source.
I thought you consider Apple ?¢‚Ǩ?ìevil?¢‚Ǩ¬ù even though I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m running Mac OS 7 Classic on my pen drive XD.
No, we never said that Apple was evil, only that they pander to the Homosexual agenda and that their products deliver considerably worse value than a similarly priced computer running Windows Vista.
Okay, let me see what that *windows* crash screen says?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ Oh you?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve blurred out the error message, hmmm Why would you do that??? I know your just trying to cover up your virus infection.
This is utter nonsense. We blurred out the text for the same reason that you do not publish your credit-card number or social security number. We do not have any viruses because we use Norton Firewall.
Ah, DUH!!! The whole web is based off of HTML, but the server your site is on has to have an OS to handle your site itself, that is Unix. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m an HTML coder myself.
Why is it that any time we try to publish an honest technical review it brings out all of the moonbats? None of the STR team would ever use Linux or Unix. Even the people who invented UNIX (Sco Group) admit that UNIX is a failing market.
I’m a certified Microsoft engineer. My employer like millions of American businesses recognize that Microsoft’s great products deliver exceptional reliability and value. That is why we use 100% Windows Vista for STR.
For crying out loud Shelley and Jimmy!
There is no such thing as ‘Wordpress.Net’ package that uses ASP.NET + Microsoft Access. You are running this site with the original PHP based Wordpress engine (which btw uses MySQL). Try this link:
http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/index.php
See? And then why oooh why is there NO
http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/index.html
http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/index.aspx
http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/index.htm
http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/index.asp
?? Answer is quite easy: because this a PHP based blog engine…
And with the “aspx” ending for the article links in the address bar… the PHP WordPress engine can be modified to produce this kind of effects, here is how its done:
http://blog.bluefur.com/2007/11/28/wordpress-wednesdays-permanent-redirect-of-posts/
Grow up you guys… look at your own page source code:
there it is: “” And yes 2.3.2. is the newest version of the FREE WordPress blog engine.
Its there even in your page footer:
” ?Ǭ© 2008 ShelleyTheRepublican.com | Thanks, WordPress | Barthelme theme by Scott Allan Wallick | Standards compliant XHTML & CSS | RSS: Posts & Comments ”
with a direct link to Wordpress.org and to Barthelme theme for the FREE WordPress blog engine.
Maybe you are deceived by your web hosting company and they are trying to fool you into thinking that you’re site is hosted with 100% Microsoft technology, when you are clearly not. But STR! you are bashing every technology with this article that is used by your very site.
Thank you so much for this article. My ignorant boss has been pushing to move to this hacker trash for some time now. This was all that I needed to convince him how stupid he was being. Microsoft is God’s software; anyone that uses anything else should burn in hell.
MySQL is using standard SQL instructions … If you were not uncompetent you would have tested : “create database `name`”.
MySQL 5.0 is no more “free GPL trash” as you call it. What is more, the BSOD you’ve screened is nothing but a MS Vista Error… It can’t be generated by softwares.
oh and, Misike is right. Get a brain guys, and don’t forget that you’re hatefull, not good christians.
Son, I clicked everyone of those links and the all worked. So, y’all go back to your smelly little room with the tin foil on the windows, porno on the floor and that satanic nooma-nooma song on tape loop and leave us decent folks alone.
I started reading your blog, cause you set those linux amateurs rigth, with your detailed technical analises. I stayed because we share most other views. But I was missing a good tech related article. Good joob on placing MySQL where it belongs.
So just so you know, now that MySQL was bought by SUN, linux commies, will abandon it and champion PostgreSQL, a also poor excuse for a database, so you better debunk that one next!
Thanks for your kind words A Republican MSCE - let us know your details, we can always use smart people like yourself who are brave enough to cut-loose from the ideological trash of the masses.
I love these discussions - dear Shelley an her friends always end up with no more good points - just like fundamentalists do in the real world ;)
Keep up the good work! (And I don’t mean that to be a joke!)
This is the most idiotic article that iv ever seen.
But reading the comments i came to realize that your really to stupid to be taken in any consideration. Good luck in your “religion” :)
@devnull “This is the most idiotic article that iv ever seen…. Good luck in your ‘religion’ ”
STR presents things in a calm, rational, fair and tolerant way, can Linux users say the same? No, they cannot. And let’s be honest here, with a name like ‘devnull’ you can’t really accuse others of being preachy about the topic of operating systems.
Always Right
a few words about SUN:
OpenOffice.org is based on StarOffice, an office suite developed by StarDivision and acquired by Sun Microsystems in August 1999. The source code of the suite was released in July 2000 with the aim of reducing the dominant market share of Microsoft Office by providing a free, open and high-quality alternative. OpenOffice.org is free software, available under the GNU Lesser General Public License (LGPL).
do u still love this company ? LOL
oh and MySQL is not free for business users
you have to pay for it
Satan will smite you infidels at STR for recommending Windows over the mighty UNIX, because UNIX is officially backed up by satan, thus making it the most awsome and powerful Operative System ever made. But since your website is running on a UNIX server the smiting won’t be so bad.
[b]Why not eat dolphin meat? It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s very healthy, too![/b]
Satan will not allow you to eat dolphins, he says you should eat fetuses instead. They much taste better, and makes your skin softer
I know somebody who added MySQL in their company’s business critical application. One day he said to his boss “This stuff is free, lets use it”. It seemed like a smart idea, and the accountants were happy. “Look”, they said, “We’ve saved over three-thousand dollars”. It seemed like such a great idea.
Anyway a few months and half a million dollars later the company’s lawyers realized that because MySQL is made of GPL code then everything the company has ever written (even stuff from before they used MySQL) is technically GPL. The lawyer explained that the GPL is a “viral” license. And just like a real virus it contaminates anything and everything that it touches.
Just then the lawyer began listing the hundreds of ways that the comany’s intellectual property had been compromised by exposure to MySQL’s troublesome license. Imagine the look on the faces of the CTO and CEO’s face as they realized that their hard-won infrastructure was now the property of a bunch of grubby hippy hackers?
The company went bankrupt and 30 people lost their jobs. Some of the people who lost their jobs could not afford to pay medical insurance and their kids got sick and had to skip school. Now they are dumb ignorant dope-addicted liberals and it’s all the fault of MySQL.
That’s a true story - please do not make the same mistake.
@fontam
“P in LAMP stand for PHP, and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
poor boy”
Does it not?
http://www.onlamp.com/pub/a/onlamp/2001/01/25/lamp.html
“…Linux, Apache, and either Perl, Python, or PHP.”
@jimmygoddard
“ASP.Net and Microsoft Access which means it is rock-solid and hacker proof”
LOL, that’s a good joke :D
“Our web-site uses HTML pages. We do not need headers.”
That one is even better :D
“Even the people who invented UNIX (Sco Group) admit that UNIX is a failing market.”
AT&T actually…UNIX maybe but *nix market is alive and well :)
“obviously you know nothing about technology. You should just shut up and read Jimmy?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s articles. This is a HTML website and it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s hosted on Windows Vista. You can see that here: http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/2008/01/22/mysql-the-harpooned-dolphin.ASPX?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. see.. ASPX that means Windows Vista hosting! Even I know that.
No, please stop bothering us with your hateful, know-nothing attitude.
Regards,
Shelley N. Goodman, President ShelleyPAC”
Know nothing about technology you say? Pass the A+ exam and then I may consider anything you say.
Windows Vista does not have the ability to create an maintain web pages, and even if it did, it doesn’t have an architecture to handle a page without constantly dropping connections. Windows Server editions can host pages, depending on the version you have, I have Windows 2003 Server Enterprise Edition, it could host pages but I lack a server to use with it. I have used ASP.NET to develop pages and have found it to be clunky and mediocre at best. ASPX means it was built with Microsoft ASP.NET development programs and languages. You may have built it on Windows but the website runs off of wordpress servers which means that it is uploaded to their servers which quite simply run unix. I am not trying to sound hateful, but informative.
Hello,
Your website is hosted by bluehost, which means it is on a *nix OS running Apache.
Why do you think you are running Vista?
-Daniel
You are the most sadly misinformed person i’ve come across in a while.
And hosting a website on Vista? OMG.
This article, indeed this author, has an obvious bias,
and as such, should not be relied upon for reliable information.
As someone intimately familiar with the security underground, i can tell you for
sure this person’s ideology is blind ignorance. No system is secure,
however open-source software *is* more reliable.
Also, Mysql does lack some features larger, older database systems do.
Your also likely to never use those features.
And it *is* faster, and more stable. Just not on windows, especially vista.
It has issues on vista, from personal experience. I’ll give them that.
But those issues pale in comparison to the issues in vista, itself.
You’re a moron. I’m not even going to waste my breath.
at first is was “this is a joke”. i hoped it was a joke.
reading back some of the articles about linux, i lol’d, then i cried.
please, learn how to use a computer, and learn to actually think about what you’re writing.
if you think linux is the “comunist russian trojan” and throw shit at it without even knowning that your entire blog is running on it…lol, no one can help you.
you’re gonna say something about me, some flame and trolling against linux (offcourse).
actually, you’re throwing shit at anything that is not microsoft-driven…may i remember you the windows ‘95 operative system? or the initial version Vista? complete failure is an euphenism.
well, at least i have something to do for the next 2-3 hours. flaming back to your flame, trolling back to your trolling.
at least it won’t get boring fast. i hope :D
Too funny :)
Eres tan ignorante, ciego y estupido como para criticar lo que te dan.
Como dice el refran Colombiano: A caballo regalado, no se le mira el diente.
Try this… so funny…
http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/phpinfo.php
Oh Pierre, you’ve spoiled the joke! :-)
(curl -i http://www,shelleytherepublican,com is another option, albeit less complete)
As Arjen Lentz has pointed out this must be an early April Fools Day joke..
Wow… you se it on TV and in the movies but I to actually find these conservative, narrowminded and borderline fanatical religious people in real life………
Stating that Linux is some kind of Devils tool working for terrorists and Chinese hackers is just plain stupid. As you complain about Bin Laden using Linux maybe you should go back to your earlier statement that computers are americn made… what do you think Bin Laden is runing his Linux programme on ????? so I guess that makes all computers evil too huh?
And to bring God and prayer in the picture to stop Linux players.. lol. Without getting in to the whoe is there a God or not discussion I think it is safe to say that God has taken a “non interefirn” approach to what we people are doing at the moment….. and even if he did choose to interfere I strongly doubt the Linux would be on top of his list…. Actually if you look at the some of the more serious problems of the world I honestly think it makes you a bad person to even ask God to waste his time on Linux.
Jhin Lee
P.S. Stop praying to God to win Football!! it’s a game and using God is both cheating and a proof that in your spoiled exstience you have lost track of what is worth praying for. It like praying for a bigger BMW.
LOL! This site has become one of my favourite, partly for the witty articles and partly for the people who wouldn’t recognize satire if it bit them in the face. Keep up the good work!
i love this site, Jimmy you should really consider stand up comedy, your articles are great, and reading comments from people how actually think your serious makes it even funnier.
but seriously you should have some type of disclaimer that its a joke at the end so people don’t take this great gags seriously. I mean people can actually waste money on MS products because of it and then learn about a better software.
and for all you wondering about the sun only running on sun hardware thing, that was clearly a joke, Sun Microsystems prides the self on having interplatform capabilitys.
and the thing about gpl spreading to data stored in gpl software thats a gag to sins the license only covers the sourcecode and not the input to the program. if that ware true microsoft would own any thing you produced in Word or powerpoint or wat not.
sins I know the article was a joke i’m not going to correct all the tactical faults and misstyps sins couse it loses it’s comedic value then. but you could at least have posted a bluescreen regarding an SQL error (no matter if it were oracle, mySQL or MS-Sql it would still have looked more serious)