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Friends,

You might have noticed that my posts have been rather infrequent - the truth is I’ve been giving virtually every spare moment I have to the McCain campaign: We owe it to Jesus to help the Republican party any way we can! We must guarantee another four years of Republican government. And between you and me, when John McCain gets elected I’ve been promised an important role as the new Presidential Data-retention advisor!

As STR’s senior technology correspondent I’m often asked why it is that the open-source freetards have failed to catch-up with even ten-year old mainstream technology such as Windows 2000. While many people suspect the answer is the self-limiting communistic dogma that software has to be free, the truth is far more complex:

A serious examination of Linux will reveal that much of it is built from a hodge-podge of incompatible “scripting languages” rather than real programming languages; this naturally results in sluggish performance and the unpredictability of a bucking-bronco. But what is a scripting language?

Real programming languages such as C++, C# and VB.Net are serious affairs that build highly optimized code suitable for any component of an operating system. Serious products like Microsoft Word and Microsoft’s cmd.exe are built entirely using these solid, trustworthy tools.

On the other hand scripting languages such as “python”, “perl” and “ruby” are built as educational toys or pranks. While they have a place in the hobbyists toolbox, and as lessons in what future language designers should avoid their slow execution and costly memory overhead make them unsuitable for any important or business critical task.

The serious programming languages are noteworthy for their long-lasting appeal: VB.Net is as stable, flexible and easy to learn as the original Visual Basic released almost 15 years ago. On the other hand, new-kid Python is the latest craze amongst open-sourcers despite only having reached version 2.5! The Python language is notorious fror it’s frequently changing, incomprehensible syntax - it’s virtually impossible to make a program that runs in any consistent way for a period of time.

Astonishingly the Linuxers have yet to realize this - many components of Ubuntu and Redhat (two somewhat popular kinds of Linux Kernel) use Python for their package updater - see our previous Linux 8.04 review for just how bad this experience was!

Ultimately, if these Linuxes ever want to grow up and be ready for the world of business they will need to abandon these development fads and embrace what is tried, tested and true. This year Python is the fashonable language, but next year the freetards might decide that Perl is “in” again… and then what next? How can any serious power-user keep up with these rapidly changing bizarrely named tool-chains? The answer is that they will be avoided.

Jimmy G

Keep Reading STR.com for up to the minute technical news & insights.

39 comments

Did you read last week’s big IT news: According to many of our sources, Sun Microsystems has bought a little known database maker called MySQL. You might not have heard of this company, but it’s product is very popular amongst the Linux community where it was the number one choice for people who choose their technology based on ideology rather than technical features.

The old MySQL logo, designed by the same Linux freaks who gave the world that fat penguin. Once the Sun take-over is complete I doubt we will be seeing much of this dolphin, he will be replaced by Sun’s familiar logo.

Many of our readers are wondering what this corporate power-play means for American business: The answer is that it will not have a significant impact simply because most companies who took time to evaluate which database product to use might have identified the potential threat to business of adopting an open source technology.

According to the Linux fan community, MySQL has a reputation for speed and reliability, however our attempt to independently verify these claims did not confirm what the open-sourcers believe. Within minutes of installing MySQL server on my Windows Vista workstation I experienced a complete system crash. According to Microsoft’s technical support, this crash would almost certainly not have occurred had I been using their SQL server product.

Dolphins harpooned to be eaten as meat - a sight not unfamiliar to residents of savage nations. There are some who claim that certain species of dolphin may become extinct… What does this remind you of?

It seems that this threat has come true; MySQL were once considered a mainstay of the ?Open Source? software movement. They took pride in bundling their software with almost any Linux operating system that was willing to sign-up to their viral GPL license. According to leading industry analysts these caring-sharing days are soon to end as Sun will be looking to monetize their somewhat questionable investment.

MySQL lacks many of the enterprise features of rival database products like Oracle, and Microsoft’s industry standard SQL server. MySQL is seen by most IT professionals as a poor man’s choice on account of the fact that it does not include a modern graphical user-interface (commands must be typed in via an obsolete command kernel). The image above shows MySQL running on a mac - it’s not very impressive is it?

These days businesses have modern tools such as Microsoft Access. Why on earth would anybody prefer MySQL?

Most industry analysts predict that Sun’s MySQL grab will prevent future releases of their product on Linux, Mac and Windows. It’s a giant bait and switch campaign in which customers who got hooked in my MySQL’s summer-of-love free for all, suddenly find themselves with a big bill to pay and nowhere to run:

Customers who wish to continue using MySQL will need to switch to Sun’s expensive hardware and software if they wish to continue operations. It is somewhat questionable how much profit this highwayman strategy will yield. Sun’s operating system is based on UNIX, invented by the SCO Group. Unfortunately, even SCO have been forced to admit that customers no longer want UNIX.

Also, it’s worth pointing out that MySQL is the M in ‘LAMP’ the somewhat popular open-source alternative to Microsoft’s ASP.Net. This could herald the break-up of the once happy LAMP family as giant corporations hurry to strip the assets from this once promising application stack. MySQL are the first to go… what about Perl (the P in LAMP).

Smart businesses will do what Shelley The Republican does: Keep it 100% Windows and keep buying American. It’s the only way to survive in these turbulent times.

Jimmy

41 comments

Folks,
we at ShelleyTheRepublican said it all along: Linux is utterly un-American, linux is harmful to our society, it’s unsafe and it’s basically just Russian spyware! No true American will ever even consider using anything else then the good old Windows!

I just recently found out that there is actually a Satanic edition of the Linux game called: “Ubuntu”.

Check out the video:

I have tried to download and install this game on my Windows Vista but it didn’t work. I downloaded 4.3GB of junkware for nothing.

Unnamed sources though say that the goal in this Ubuntu game is to hunt and kill Christians.

This has to stop. As much as I really dislike my former employee Tristan J. Shuddery (may he rest in peace), he was right about the dangers of Linux.

Thanks for reading,
Shelley N. Goodman

39 comments

Dear Friends,
If you are looking for a stable, secure and good looking operating system, there is no alternative to Windows Vista. Only Windows Vista includes the latest state-of-the-art security features like Windows Defender, the best optimization tools like the Defragmenter, the most advanced entertainment applications like the Windows Media Player and the leading word processing applications like Notepad.

(click on the thumbnail above)
This is my computer screen, friends. Only with Windows Vista I can handle my high workload and still manage to be productive and creative! God bless Windows Vista (wait a sec, He already did!).

Our blog (the one you are reading right now) is hosted on windows vista. The hosting upgrade from Linux to Windows XP increased the uptime from 77% to 95% and the upgrade from Windows XP to Windows Vista has increased the uptime to a proud 99.5%, even though we are attacked by terrorist hackers every single day. No hacker has been able to bring our website down since the hosting is done by Vista. It?s virtually unhackable.

This is a Mac OS screenshot. Many experts agree that the Apple operating system is one of the most unstable there are. The reason some people actually still buy apple might be that it’s the Homosexual’s favorite computer.

As you know, I am a person, deeply committed to the beauty in this world. As your lifestyle correspondent on this website, I have brought many issues of the good taste to your attention. And that is another point I love Windows Vista for. It?s truly a never-ending source of eye candy! No other operating system even comes close to the beautiful designs of Windows Vista. Linux looks more or less as it has been designed by retarded children and Mac OS looks like a it has been designed in the early 70s.
You might say, ?Ok, looks aren?t everything so, what about the technical aspect??
Rest assured, friends, no other OS even comes close when it comes to the latest technology. Only Windows operates on top of the famous ?DOS ? Technology?. DOS has been developed by the NASA and it was used to control and operate the space shuttle in the early 1990s.

Linux. Boring, ugly, gray. And because it’s not based on the advanced “DOS-Technology” it’s unstable, too.

Dear Readers, there is no good reason to use anything else than Windows Vista. In case you are not using Vista yet, I urge you to switch to the only Godly OS there is!
I like to take this opportunity and thank Mr. Bill Gates for bringing us Windows and especially Windows Vista. Thanks so much, Mr. Gates, you made using a computer fun. God bless you.

Yours,
Shelley The Republican

43 comments

There’s been a real “buzz” about Ubuntu. The ‘techie’ magazines and the nerds who read them have been talking about it like they’d just seen Laura Croft naked. An ‘Ubuntu’, in case you’re normal and haven’t heard, is a form of “operating system”, and the such is it’s popularity that “ubuntu” is now one of the Top 20 searched terms according to the Googler, right up there with ’sodomy’, ‘Britney Spears” and fat America-hater ‘michael moore’.

Clearly this Ubuntu must be pretty vile!

Further investigation shows that the Ubuntu is an especially hateful form of what computer expert Steve Balmer called “The Linux virus”. Foruntately the claims made by the Ubuntu company somewhat over-blow their potential to take-over the world. For example, Ubuntu is based on the outmoded “Debian” Linux distribution which is notoriously difficult to install. Most users who have attempted to install the product have given up in frustration. Those are the lucky ones: Once it is on a PC it is almost impossible to remove. According to a Department of Defence study, the only way to fully eliminate it is to remove and physically destroy your computer’s hard disk.

Research shows Ubuntu is originally from South Africa and was created by a Mark Shuttleworth, a former entrepreneur who made a bazillion dollars through a thing called Capitalism. Having made his money, Mark has decided that nobody else should get rich, and that is why he’s set about de-stabilizing our economy with his Linux software. Because Mark is a born-again commie (the worst kind) he gives Ubuntu away for free to everyone: free, free, free! But don’t ask Mark for any money, he won’t give you any of that. He will only give you a stupid Ubuntu disk. The money he keeps!

This poor creature is being tortured by the Ubuntu testing team: They want to know if it will have the same harmful effect on beasts as it does on humans. The answer: Yes

Ubuntu (from the Swahili term meaning ?We will rape your children?) is the very opposite of Redmond, WA’s awesome Vista Home Server operating systems. For example, Vista includes powerful blogging tools such as notepad.exe, which I sued to write this article. Last time I checked, Linix contained no equivalent of this versatile tool. While Vista is a slick, professional and scalable OS, Ubuntu is only kept ‘free’ by the judicious use of cheap, South African labor, often using intimidation, threats, and even outright violence to keep workers in line, slavishly marching towards the Ubuntu Management team’s brutal deadlines.

Employee relations have never been worse at Ubuntu Co. Would you want to use software developed under conditions like this? Those of us who wish to make a moral stand should reject this criminal software.

When Ubuntu has so little going for it, it should come as no surprise that the sales team will stop at nothing to excessively hype and lie about the Ubuntu product to get it into your kids’ hands. Just look at the latest marketing campaign: it’s nothing but mixed-race pornography! That the previous advertising campaign had nothing but filthy black Rap music and swear-words should come as no surprise. What next, Ubuntu on pink CDs? Ubuntu with an arabic ‘halal’ symbol?

A recent advertising campaign for Ubuntu Linux: This explicitly sexual message is as much an advert for inter-racial fornication as it is for a computer program. Would Microsoft have considered this acceptable? Surely not.

As I have previously mentioned, the installation routine is a joke: The preferred method of installation is via CD, which is ironic given that Ubuntu do not physically distribute CDs themselves, relying on a network of pirats, criminal hackers and scofflaws called “bittorrent” to do their dirty work for them. Obtaining the CD “image file”, requires the user to descend into a cess-pit of piracy sites where these disk-images are offered alongside explicit pornography and instruction manuals for manufacturing WMDs. By comparison, Microsoft’s excellent Vista is shipped on reliable CDs in an attractive plastic box, or more usually pre-installed on your Vista ready computer. Now tell me, which company has the most sensible distribution model?

Having installed the files, the Ubuntards had saved the worst for last: It’s network installation was preposterous, requiring me to input all manner of numbers called “IP Addresses”. These are silly dotted numbers like 10.1.1.256.432. Why should any of this be required to use the Internet? Once again, Microsoft has the right idea - they include all the numbers you need on the installation CD.

Ubuntu’s text-based login-screen seems woefully inadequate compared to the gleaming sophistication of Vista Home Server. This is perhaps the main reason why Ubuntu is not yet ready for the desktop.

What level of technical support do you expect for this “free” product? The Ubuntu network operations center, the technical nerve-center of the Ubuntu support team, is just a phone queue to nowhere. Ubuntu (from the Mandinga tribal language meaning ?We will violate your hot blonde cheerleaders?) even dares to suggest this “cost saving” of having no tech support is being passed on to you!

An actual photo of the Ubuntu help-desk. Notice that there is no real person working there. If you get stuck with Ubuntu then you are on your own. Windows on the other hand provides a collection of attractive animation characters including the popular “Clippy” who can troubleshoot any kind of problem without making a call.

You really need to ask yourself some fundamental things about Ubuntu: if it’s so free, why does it cost so much time and effort to install? Ubuntu is made by afro-hippy communists who work under slave labor conditions. And being from South Africa they would love nothing more then to undermine America, because they are jealous of the freedoms people have here. Freedom is never free, and neither is this horrible Ubuntu OS!

America is a great land, filled with wide open pastures, where cattle graze endless pasture and majestic eagles soar. Here you can enjoy the incredible benefits brought about by living in the greatest land ever known to mankind. You can eat tasty cheeseburgers, and thanks to hard-working American innovators, you can buy all the cheeseburgers you can eat for under ten dollars. I do not think the South-Africans would be so jealous if they had all the great things we take for granted.

Entrepreneurship and hard work are what made America what it is today. Just look at Bill Gates! Don’t let Ubuntu talk you into this nonsense about things being free, the best thing for everyone is business competition. That’s just back-door communism. Once your computer software becomes free what next? Free health care? Free bourbon for the unemployed? Free money? Lets not get onto the slippery slope of hand-out dependancy.

I’ve got an idea: Ubuntu (from the Soweto township slang meaning ?Your white women say they don’t…. but they do?) should be used as an insult such as: ?kick him in the ubuntu? or ?what a stupid ubuntu you dumb ubuntu? or ?if you ever come back here I will ubuntu your ubuntu… ubuntu?. Only when people revile the word Ubuntu, will people finally understand the danger it poses.

Ubuntu? Ubuntu to you!

“Always Right”

Charles ?Chuck? Roast III

66 comments

Friends,

The 2008 elections are still a long time away, and while we Republicans are busy defining policies that guarantee American freedom, already ultra-leftist groups have already begun plotting how to steal the election.

For example in these East-Coast liberals have decided to share the secrets of America’s electronic voting machines with a bunch of linux-using, pot-smoking hacker outlaws.

According to the wingnut-ocrats, this is a “precautionary measure” intended to find “flaws” in the voting system, but is that really their motive? Why are they really allowing suspected criminals access to the proprietary technology that powers the world’s greatest Democracy?

Diebold election machines like this are programed to help Americans vote the way they want, and guarantee another Republican victory in 2008. Liberals hate Diebold because they hate Democracy and the American way of life.

“Letting the hackers have the source codes, operating manuals and unlimited access to the voting machines is like giving a burglar the keys to your house,” said Steve Weir, clerk-recorder of Contra Costa County and head of the state Association of Clerks and Election Officials. Why on earth would liberals want to allow a cabal of criminal hackers to gang-rape and sodomize our nation’s valuable intellectual property? As usual, the liberals have a dark agenda:

Criticism of our election infrastructure is undermining confidence in America’s democracy, which has only just recovered from Al Gore’s shameless attack on our constitution followed by his sore looser show after his failed 2000 election bid. It is not enough for liberals to trash our war-effort, they also want to undermine our confidence at home in order to bring about their victory.

Is 2008 is just a dry-run for the final show-down when our enemies will attempt to transform America into an Islamofascist dictatorship lead by grand-mullah Barak Obama? The Linux hackers are his evil pawns and will stop at nothing to undermine our Democracy.

Liberals know that an unhappy society is one that is more likely to accept the Islamic revolution and an islamic leader: Barak Hussein Obama. What better way to make Americans unhappy than by spreading propaganda about our voting systems?

Do not believe the lies: These machines are perfect.

Thanks to unhinged liberals who have exposed our election secrets to a gang of unprincipled, unchurched computer-criminals the 2008 elections could be stolen by a gang of Daily Kossak hactivists who are hell-bent on bringing totalitarian dictatorship to the land of the free.

Now that we know that liberals are hacking the election we need to train our own anti-hackers to secretly undo the damage liberals are doing and restore a Republican balance to the 2008 election. We should simply re-program the machines to give Republican candidates a head-start and thus directly foil the sinister liberal hacker plans.

Yours in Christ,

Tristan J. Shuddery

33 comments

Dear Readers,

we are currently in the process of moving the website to more reliable, faster and more secure Windows Vista webhosting.
There might be temporary service interruptions withing the next 48 hours.

Kind regards,
The STR crew

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Update: The transfer is complete!
Enjoy the new and faster hosting!
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65 comments

Friends,

Have you heard of a new project called “OLPC”, otherwise known as “One Laptop Per Child” - it’s the latest crazy product to come out of silicon valley, and the Linux people’s last ditch attempt to get anybody to use their product. Most computer experts know that Linux is not yet ready for the desktop, and I guess the Linux crowd know that too which is why they have chosen to put it on laptops designed for children. They cynically suspect that a younger audience will be prepared to accept a laptop which cannot play their favourite games.

The “state of the art” OLPC - this machine is primative compared to a modern Windows Vista laptop, so why are Linux fan-boys claiming that it is the best ever computer?

When I say “laptop”, this OLPC machine looks nothing at all like my modern Windows Vista based laptop. Vista is a marvel of modern American Christian engineering which allows me to run the world’s best software such as Microsoft Word (which I’m using to write to you now), and Microsoft Excel to do our Church accounts. AtShelleyTheRepublican .com we even use Microsoft Access to compile dossiers on suspected terrorists in our neighborhood. None of this would be possible without Windows Vista Home Premium Edition and Microsoft Office.

Is this what kids want? A laptop that cannot play great Christian games like “Left Behind: Eternal Forces” or Derek Smart’s Battlecruiser 3000AD. We also note that the OLPC project does not come with a standard Bible reference utility. Why have the OLPC developers rejected Jesus?

Unfortunately the OLPC does not run Windows or Office, and lacks any of the thousands of programs familiar to Windows power-users. Unfortunately due to short-sighted planning there is no way theOLPC users will ever be able to rectify this problem because contrary to the spirit of Open-source the OLPC does not include any programming features. It is not compatible with Microsoft Visual Basic.net the world’s best development system.

An early prototype of the OLPC designed for African villages. It’s designers attempted to save money by using rows of switches instead of keys, naturally this plan back-fired they way all Linux projects do. People were not prepared to accept an overtly anti-christian product.

The makers of the controversial Linux OS Program are currently being sued for over $3Bn in damages by SCO group, one of the companies that invented the Minix operating system from which Linux was copied. Linux’s dirty little secret known only to a few free-thinkers in the computer business is that it incorporates stolen SCO technologies such as “RCU”, a patented military-grade secret that is now being exported at a discounted rate to America’s enemies. Next time Al-Queda want to write a computer-virus you can be sure that they are using American-made RCU to help send porn to your family’s home computer.

Get ready for an explosive desktop experience… not! OLPC’s 2 dimensional user-interface reminds us of computing technology that is almost 20 years old. Why have the OLPC team turned their back on progress?

To me, this all seems like a big missed opportunity. What on earth is the purpose of providing low-cost laptops to the 3rd world other than to train up the next generation of outsourced laborers to do work for America. Unfortunately the OLPC does not include anything useful such as VB or call-centre training software.? I just don’t see how we benefit from this technological hand-out.

We at STR have a better suggestion. Why not take all the funds for the OLPC project and use it for something genuinely helpful. We propose a global bible-distribution / abstenance program which will teach people how to get to heaven and keep potential terrorist weapons like the OLPC out of dangerous foreign hands.

Yours in Christ,

Tristan J. Shuddery

90 comments

Friends,

Not so long ago STR and I drew a great deal of fire from aggressive Linux using zealots for the ?crime? of pointing out that using Linux is contrary to the very spirit of American free enterprise. Such was the weight of this criticism that I was forced to re-examine my claims. Could I have got it wrong? Could over a thousand comments be incorrect?

No, we were not wrong - just as the Linux using trolls who like to bully sensible family-oriented conservative groups like ShelleyTheRepublican were trying to convince us that Linux is as American as Apple-Pie, it?s founder and long-time enemy of free-enterprise was busy selling Linux to known terrorists and members of what our President calls the Axis of Evil.

RMS as he likes to be known to his hacker friends has convinced Cuba, one of the most evil nations of the entire world to adopt Linux as it?s official operating system. Henceforth the communist party which controls all aspects of life in this despotic regime of pure evil has made it illegal to buy the American made Microsoft Windows. Cubans who are denied freedom of choice by the repressive Marxist government are no longer allowed to buy Windows, because according to Fidel Castro, it is a ?product of our imperialist oppressor?. Why does Castro hate America? Why does he forbid Cubans from importing great American products like Windows Vista?Please do not take my word for it, instead read what Rob Enderle, principal analyst of the Enderle group has to say about this matter. This is from Rob?s column at ITBusinessEdge, one of the most highly trusted sources of Information Technology news, and one that I personally rely on to stay ahead of the pack:

Linux, which isn?t really a product in my mind, as it co-defines the Open Source movement, is a brand. This brand has attributes that have been created over time and generally, at least for those that use it, represents something positive.
For some it represents the freedom to look at and mess with code, for others it represents ?free? as in free beer, and for some it represents a strong weapon against capitalism, particularly with regard to software. I?m sure we could add some additional attributes, but the one that concerns me is this new concept that it is anti-American.

So what could turn Rob from a passionate Linux advocate three years ago into one of it’s most vocal critics? Like most of our readers, Rob is proud to be an American, and nothing is as ugly as the blind-prejudice of Anti-Americanism. He continues:
Can you imagine the NSA IT manager trying to get funding for a Linux based project right now? We are dropping into an extended election where the war in Iraq, terrorism, and nationalism are likely to be major battlegrounds. On the economic front, China remains a huge concern and in many battles it too is likely to come up, particularly as these battles are fought in areas where unions are strong.

If I?m running against an incumbent (who probably has no clue about software at all) and I know some organization under them deployed Linux and that it is being positioned as anti-U.S., might I not use that in the election? ?Ladies and gentlemen I promise that under my administration we will not implement products like Linux that put the nation at risk, which contribute critical technology to the terrorists, and embolden our enemies.?

What a great election winning strategy. We at STR.com note with some dismay that Hillary Clinton, Al Gore and Barak Obama all have campaign sites which run on Linux. Could they display their utter contempt and loathing for America with any greater clarity than their choice of computer program? What’s so wrong with buying American? Windows Vista is the most technically advanced operating system ever built so why would Hillary Clinton prefer to use a product made by Eastern-European communists?

Anti-freedom activist and failed presidential candidate Albert Gore Jr claims to have invented the entire Internet, however in a display of arrogance and ignorance he has chosen to build his eco-lie website on a Linux web-server. Why does Al Gore hate America?

And if Rob Enderlie were correct, we would expect that the Pro-linuxists have begun exporting their anti-American philosophy and software to all of Democracy’s remaining enemies. As you might expect RMS has been selling his Linux software to communist governments like Venezuela and islamofascist rogue-states like Iran. As a result of this campaigning Iran now has a ?LUG?, a forum for pro-linux activism. Would they have achieved this if they had not first been provided with American technology to copy? Should we be comfortable that stolen American trade-secrets which have been put into Linux are now in our enemies hands?

These Cubans may appear harmless, but will that still be the case now that they have access to the stolen Linux technology? The USA once almost had to bomb the heck out of this trouble-making rogue-state, are they driving us to war once again? We Americans pray for peace every day, but unprovoked aggression cannot be ignored.

Let me spell this out to you: We are at war with an axis of evil who may already be using this stolen technology to help build the atomic weapons with which the Islamofascists hope will one day be used to kill your children. Please support the one American party who has not bought into the lie of Linux: The Republicans. Your votes and donations will help keep America and the world free of the triple threats of Communism, Islamofascism and Linux

Yours in Christ,

Tristan J. Shuddery

151 comments

Friends,

It’s been almost exactly a year since Shelley asked me to write a review of the new web-browser called Mozilla Firefox. Try as I might, I could not think of a single reason why any of our readers would care about this obsolete browser, the result of stripping Netscape Navigator of it’s features that would not work on Linux. The market has chosen the superior, more secure Internet Explorer and so have I. Mozilla FireFox is yesterday’s news.

As usual, Shelly has a knack of being right on the pulse of American culture. Although neither of us realized it at the time, Mozilla FireFox and just about every other product from the “Mozilla Foundation” contains an dread evil, possibly an evil that is as old as time itself and one which every single American and Christian should beware:

While monitoring a hacker chat-room, I observed that one of the hackers suggested typing “about:mozilla” into a web-browser, he claimed that something cool would happen. I put this code into Microsoft’s newest IE7 and nothing at all happened. Next I theorized that this might be a hacker code which would only work in the computer hacker’s favorite web-browser. I downloaded a copy of Mozilla FireFox onto a quarantine computer and typed the code in, and the results were shocking:

Every copy of Mozilla Firefox includes a hidden tract from the Satanist “Book of Mozilla”. Young impressionable kids in communist blue-states might be exposed to this kind of literature. Is this part of a liberal plan to turn young Americans away from God?

I saw a red page which contained a single quotation from a Satanist tract calling itself “The Book of Mozilla”. I searched MSN for more information about this book, and was astonished to find that despite being quoted from extensively no such book has ever been in print in America. Could this hidden book explain the motivations of the hackers who created Mozilla FireFox?

In order to find out I went to a hacker BBS called “IRC”, this is the place where Mozilla hackers are known to “hang out”. I asked a number of developers where I might find this book, but most denied it’s existence or claimed that it was “merely a joke”. Typical of linux hackers to joke about the anti-christ.

YOU (TristanShuddery) have joined #firefox
Topic for #firefox is ?http://firefox.com || Welcome to #firefox - Have a question about Mozilla Firefox? Just ask! Please wait for a response - we’re all in and out at different times. If nobody’s available to help, try asking in #firefox on irc.mozilla.org.?
TristanShuddery: Where can I find a copy of the “Book of Mozilla”? I’m a homosexual anti-American computer hacker just like you, so I need this book.
duckdown: You cant
TristanShuddery: Why not? I can pay for it? I told you I am a real hacker.
Drj: No, it does not exist
TristanShuddery: I saw quotes from it. It is REAL
Hollywood: It’s a secret… if I told you I would have to kill you
Drj: It’s a joke moron
Frakki: ROTFL
YogSothoth: Tristan, you suck!
Hollywood: Actually I have a copy of it
TristanShuddery: Tell me about it
Hollywood: Yes, it’s hand-bound in human hide
Frakki: Ha ha ha
Hollywood: It was written the mad Arab, Abdul Alhazred
TristanShuddery: Are you a satanist?
YOU (TristanShuddery) have been kicked from #firefox (you have been banned)

Could it be that I was getting close to the truth? “Hollywood” whoever he is was being prevented from revealing too much about this cult of Mozilla? He clearly said that the book was written by an “Arab”, could this be a connection to Al-Queda?

I found myself cut off from the channel and unable to log back in, clearly somebody was concerned that I already knew too much about the book of Mozilla.

Over the next few days I received a large number of emails advertising disgusting pornography and homosexual services. Could it be that the servants of Mozilla had hacked my computer and stolen my email address. These messages were intended as a warning for me to stay out of their way.

An artist’s representation of what “Mozilla” might look like.

What could all this mean? I suspect I have exposed a coven of cultists who are hell-bent on forcing their “old religion” upon Christian America. Their “gift” of open-source software is the first step which will ultimately lead to all of our damnation, and that is why we at ShelleyTheRepublican.com will re-dedicate ourselves to stomping out this evil.

An artist’s impression of what “The Book of Mozilla” may look like. Extracts from this occult manual of witchcraft are included in versions of Mozilla Firefox and may have inspired the “Harry Potter” novels by J. K. Rowling.

From tomorrow any reader of the STR.com site who uses Mozilla Firefox will be “redirected” to a page we have prepared containing carefully selected biblical tracts. Shelley and I believe that this is the best way to counteract the scourge of satanism.

Yours in Christ,

Tristan J. Shuddery

UPDATE: One alert reader has informed me that at least one college library in Arkham, MT has a copy of this book. I’ve asked BBN to investigate as his ministry is based around the Boston Area. Together we will get to the bottom of this conspiracy. If you have any more information, please submit it below.

210 comments