STR : THE FREEDOM BLOG

Friends,

Now that we know our economy is in safe hands, lets discuss ways that John McCain, our next President can put even more pep into the world’s favorite currency: The U.S. Dollar. Sadly, our proposal to have George Washington replaced with Jesus (the true founder of America) was sabotaged by angry secularists, hell-bent on creating their own vision of America without God.

This is an artist’s impression of what our 7 dollar bill would have looked like - unfortunately our plan to let Jesus re-vitalize the dollar was sabotaged by god-hating communist liberals!

That’s why we’ve come up with a much more acceptable plan, and one which is sure to bring America back to where it belongs as the world’s number-one economic powerhouse:

We simply bomb Iran ? think about it: All of the problems America faces is the fault of the Islamofascists. If we bomb them back into the stone age it will end our troubles with the middle-east once and for all, and finally peace will reign on earth.

These commemorative George W. Bush dollar bills may not be worth $2004, but they are worth a great deal to us. You can buy these for $2.04 each at the STR shop - they are accepted by true patriots in every state of the USA.

Just think, every year America spends trillions of dollars fighting the war on terror. According to the latest statistics the war has cost us seven trillion dollars so far. If we had not spent this on fighting the towelheads we might have invested this in other important projects like fighting against homosexuality and atheism. The way I see it, those pesky sand-niggers owe us, and now it’s pay-back time.

One reason we never found Saddam’s WMDs is because he gave them all to his friends the Iranians - we need to invade Iran to get Saddam’s WMDs back under responsible American control.

Since all the terrorists are working for the evil Ayotolahs ? we should fight them over there so we do not have to fight them over here and all the other places where we’ve been fighting them. That’s just common sense, and that is why we are lobbying John McCain for regime change in Iran.

Yours in Christ

Jimmy

Dear Friends,

Shelley has graciously given me time away from my work at STR.com to attend to the birth of my 8th child ? a lovely healthy blessing from the Lord. She is one of the lucky ones: She has been born into a Bible believing family, and has not been brutally murdered in the womb like the atheists do. She will grow-up and live steeped in the word of the Lord and some day we hope she will grow up to defend the rights of other pre-borns and protect America from the perverse homosexuals and evil liberals.

Mary-Beth Goddard Jr: By the time she grows up she might live in a Christan nation where the laws of God are obeyed and everybody lives in harmony. Alternativly if the Democrats win the next election she could be forced to take drugs and brutally murdered. For the sake of this child, please make sure that evil future does not happen.

But as I look into her sweet, innocent face I think of the less fortunate children. Those born to liberals, atheists and the infants who have the misfortune to attend public schools where the government mandates compulsory homosexuality lessons. What will happen to them?

The truth is sad: Many if them will die before they reach the age of responsibility: Most from sexually transmitted diseases, others from ?black on black? violence, but the overwhelming majority of them will fall victim to the modern scourge: ?Crack? Cocaine.

STR Fact File: What is Crack? Crack is made from normal ‘powder’ cocaine by the addition of a chemical called ?Bicarbonate of Soda?. It is 100 times stronger than ‘normal’ cocaine which is why most states sensibly require a mandatory sentence for even the smallest quantity of this deadly substance. Crack is known to have a particularly strong effect on people of African origin, as it is known to awaking the cannibalistic instincts of of their pagan ancestors.

Cocaine is a carefully controlled substance as part of America’s war on drugs but amazingly Bicarbonate of Soda is available in almost any supermarket or drug store. Why is this precursor substance to one of the word’s most harmful drugs not kept from the hands of those who would abuse it?

Liberals argue that there are many legitimate uses for bicarbonate of soda such as baking cookies or brushing teeth, but these days cookies and all kinds of baked goods are available pre-cooked and there are many more effective substances that one might use to brush teeth. These claims might have had credibility fifty years ago, but it’s clear that this potentially dangerous substance lacks any common non-illegal use today.

How many Americans have died because of this ‘innocent’ product?

We Republicans are all about freedom, so the last thing we would want to do is simply ban this chemical. We do not wish to make it impossible for legitimate home-bakers and people who are unwilling to use normal toothpaste, however we feel that in the interest of our children’s future we should regulate it’s sale. We modestly propose that sale should be limited to adults who have a certificate proving a valid use which has been signed by a responsible member of society, such as a pastor.

These toys marketed by a liberal toy-company are trying to sell kids on the life of a ‘crack ho’ - a prostitute who gets paid in crack-cocaine. It is vital that we reverse the social trends that have made this horror possible in America.

Please, if you do not want our children to grow up addicted to crack, I urge you to support this sensible precaution in the war on drugs.

Jimmy Goddard

One of the reasons I love working for ShelleyTheRepublican is that you get to meet great people with great ideas. For instance in a recent ShelleyPAC prayer-circle dedicated to formulating a policy platform for our next Republican Presidency, my good Friend Billy suggested a great way to cut some of the Federal fat left over from previous misguided Democratic governments:

We should simply abolish all the wasteful Federal agencies, starting with that famous money-pit Center for Disease Control.

Billy didn’t say much about the idea at the time - He was buys explaining about the liberal conspiracy to put mind-control drugs and flouride in our water supplies.

I guess he had bigger issues to deal with so to him it was just another great idea of the hundreds of great ideas that pop into his mind every minute. But for a guy like me when you see a great idea you gotta go for it. And this sure is a great, truly Conservative idea - the sort of idea that is the hallmark of a serious Presidential contender.

If you didn’t get round to subscribing to Billy’s audio ministry, why don’t you do that right now. It will give you a chance to listen to the short commentary I’m talking about.

Billy starts from the sensible and correct observation that there are no sexually transmitted diseases in the Bible. There’s no need for federally mandated HPV vaccines and no secularist evolutionists explaining that we should love the bacteria because they are our common ancestors: The simple fact is that all those diseases did not exist back then because God had not yet unleashed those punishments.

So why should we abolish the Center for Disease control? For starters, it’s precisely the kind of government fat that a true conservative would cut away. Public health is precisely the sort of thing that should be entrusted to Churched-based local charities. Where in the constitution does it say that Federal government has a monopoly over diseases?

We can all agree that disease control is firstly no business of federal government: If it has to be run by government then it ought to be the domain of the states. The Federal CDC forces state health officers to adopt their flawed secularist evolutionary perspective. I’d like to give states the option to base their strategies on proven Biblical principles.

The bible teaches us that all we need to cure disease is the power of prayer - so why are we spending billions in federal hand-outs for Medicaire, SCHIP and other unnecessary health-handouts? These wasteful federal programs are diverting funds away from the War on Global Terrorism, which surely must be our number 1 priority!

I really think this is too good an idea to waste - our constitution must be defended form every cry-baby liberal that thinks it’s a federal problem every time an infant barfs, or cuts his pinkie on a toy. When will they learn to take responsibility for their own self-inflicted problems.

As Billy correctly point out - the cause of disease is sin. If we live our lives as Christ expects there would be no more disease.

Jimmy

Two or three times a week I get an email from a wise-ass who writes something along these lines:

“If you think abortion is murder, then how come you do not ask for the death penalty for those who carry it out?”

The answer is simple - because that penalty is not severe enough. Abortion is most certainly a form of murder, but let me put it to you this way. Supposing a criminal paid another criminal to perform a “hit” - that is to say in the criminal parlance a “contract killing”. Surely both the person who pulled the trigger and the person who financed the crime are equally culpable? And what if it was not an individual but an entire corrupt organization that did the killing? Surely everybody who profited from that death would be just as guilty of murder? I’m sure you can see where I am heading.

We at STR advice those who picket outside abortion clinics to take details of the names and vehicle registrations of everybody who enters the building. Sooner or later we may be able to give them God’s justice for murdering pre-borns. We are lobbying that this law should be made retro-active so that anybody who has comitted an abortion-murder in the past may face murder charges.

America needs a common-sense Christian answer to the abortion problem. It’s clear that Roe vs Wade was a faulty decision that sparked off the worst holocaust the world has ever seen, and that is why we need a strong penalty against this most hideous of crimes. Unfortunately, most of the perpetrators of abortion-murder are not even arrested for their crimes. Surely we need biblical justice where the penalty for taking a life is loosing your own life. What could be simpler than that?

Plan B - henceforth I shall refer to this as “The Murder Pill” - the pentalty for selling and taking this death-drug should be death. We could shut down this evil death industry in no time at all.

I propose that since abortion is a form of murder, everybody involved including the doctor, the doctor’s management and the mother who has paid for the hit-job on her pre-born be given the death-sentence: preferably by being torn apart by a giant suction hose just like they do to the pre-borns in abortuaries.

Jesus sheds a tear every time an abortion-doctor kills a pre-born. Why wont you do something - JESUS IS CRYING!

I just know that is what God wants us to do.

Jimmy

Friends,

We all know that pretty much every problem we face as a nation is caused by one failed Democrat-party policy: Unchecked illegal immigration. Years after the Clinton administration did it’s best to trash all that we Republicans hold-dear, we are still picking up the pieces from two-terms of Democratic-mis-management. And just as we are on the verge of closing the flood-gates, it’s no surprise that once-again, the Democrats stand in our way.

A typical uncivilized, evil Mexican immigrant - he has no business in America. We should round up all illegals like him and send them all packing! What good do they do for America?

Democrats love illegal immigrants, for the simple reason that lacking in American moral-fiber, they usually vote Democratic. This is why we Republicans must always be on guard against Democratic voter-fraud, one of many harmful consequences of unchecked immigration.

But what should we do about immigration? The Democrats say it’s too tough a problem to solve and that the immigrants are over here and have set up homes, families, businesses and lives in the USA. I say that those immigrants had no right to be here in the first place, and we need to get tough before those immigrants turn against us, and try to transform the USA into nation of Islamofascist Catholics.

Do these typical mexicans look like Americans? Do they act or smell like Americans? Heck no - so why should we allow them into our country?

But what should we do about the evil immigrants who want to kill your kids and rape your wife? The solution is simple, all we need to do is round up all the Immigrants in America, and force them to build a wall on the Mexican border - a new wall from coast to coast. And once the work is done, we lock them out and never let them back in. It’s a simple, practical solution that makes those evil immigrants pay for the American privileges they stole!

But do not just listen to us: America’s finest minds Michelle Malkin and Neil Boortz have some great suggestions about how to deal with immigrants:

Download:

Isn’t Michelle right? It’s our duty as Americans to report people who are breaking the law, and what could be a worse crime than bringing un-Christian foreign ways, uninvited to the USA.

Download:

What a great solution? Neil is killing two birds with one stone. Hopefully those immigrants would be far too busy dealing with radiation poisoning to break through our border again. That’s the kind of practical solution we at STR.com endorse.

Yours in Christ,

Tristan J. Shuddery

Friends,

Last week I told you about an unfortunate incident in which an irresponsible cyclist caused hundreds of dollars worth of damage to my Hummer. I’m sure you can imagine how upset I was, but as always, I allowed the Christian spirit of compassion and forgiveness to guide me. The foolish cyclist had learned his lesson, and that would be end of the matter… or so I thought.

Unfortunately I was wrong, the other day in the post, I received a letter demanding compensation for over $4,000 to cover the cost of replacing a damaged bicycle. The cyclist, a typical New-England liberal claimed that his foreign-made ‘road bicycle’ was made out of carbon, and therefore irreparable and that I was liable for the full extent of his damages. That sounds like a typical liberal extortion scam to me.

Would any sane person ever spend four-thousand dollars on a bicycle? For that amount of money you could get a motorbike, or better still a second hand car or truck? This bike was made in Italy, a country famous for hyper-inflation, rampant homosexuality and shoddy engineering. Is that the best you can get for four thousand?

And just because somebody has no bargain hunting common-sense, does that make me responsible? It hardly seems sensible or fair. Why would anybody buy foreign crap when they could have a fine American product for much less? It just does not make any sense!

So I talked through the whole matter with Shelley, who in a moment of Christ-inspired compassion reminded me of Jesus’s commandment to go the extra mile; Shelly authorized me to use the STR funds to buy this idiot a brand new bike, so that is why I found myself in a bike shop last weekend.

Much to my astonishment, the shop stocked a wide range of bicycles and the most expensive could be bought for less than $300. Each of these bikes were rugged looking rides, made from tough American steel.

As Shelley suggested, I bought the very best of their range; an attractive red bike complete with rugged off-road tyres and spring-loaded front suspension (an optional extra). The bike-shop assistant explained that unlike the wrecked foreign-made bike, this bike could ride off road, was virtually indestructible and and came with a bell on the handle-bar, a great way to warn other road-users about fast-moving cyclists.

I’m no fan of bicycles, but this one has everything, from spring-loaded suspension to a handy parking stand. Why would anybody buy foreign when you can get a fine American design like this for a great price?

So I’ve UPSed the whole thing off to Boston, and I hope that will entirely settle the matte, and set a fine example of Christian generoisty.

Yours in Christ,

Tristan J. Shuddery

My pastor once told me something very profound.

Billy Bob, he told me, have you ever seen a dog trying to have sexual relations with a cat? I had to admit that I never did see that. That’s because a dog knows it’s a dog and don’t have no need to be anything BUT a dog. That’s how God planned it. And that’s how he planned men and women, too.

Does this dog look gay to you? Of course not!

Over the course of the next couple hours or so, he egged me on to try to poke holes in that statement, but, try as I might, I couldn’t. I left there convinced more strongly than ever that God doesn’t make people gay. It just don’t make no logical sense.

So it didn’t surprise me when Ted Haggard emerged from the Arizona desert, tanned, rested and straight as an arrow. Pastor Haggard sadly strayed from God’s path into a harrowing world of drugs and sodomy that left him broken and his family and congregants brokenhearted.

New Life Church prayed for Pastor Ted despite
his betrayal of their trust. They knew Satan was to blame.

Very few men understood, as Pastor Ted does, that homosexuality is a sign of a weak spirit. As he wrote to his congregation, “There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I’ve been warring against it all of my adult life.” A lot of ignorant people wanna read that as “Pastor Ted was born gay”. Like I said, they’re ignorant. Lemme go back to the beginning of this piece where my pastor, after hours of no-holds barred debate convinced me that God doesn’t make people gay.

If someone claims they’re born gay, they’re just wrong. A boy child ain’t born into the world thinking about sodomy. Somehow, often through poor parenting or contact with un-Godly children, Satan finds a tiny hole in a soul big enough to plant the seed of gayness. Like most diseases, homosexuality never fully leaves the body even though it stays hidden for years. Pastor Ted talks about the feeling of “freedom” he felt when he felt rid of the gayness. Those periods of freedom, we now know, lull the infected person into letting their guard down, allowing Satan’s gayness to awaken from its dormant state.

The effects of Satan can turn a straight, heterosexual male
into a raving drag queen in a matter of days

Pastor Ted successfully fought off Satan’s harbingers of homosexuality for almost 49 years.? He knew that ministering provided a closeness to Jesus and protection from Satan and gayness. And yet, evil, if only for a short time, won out.

Thanks to a three-week intensive reparative therapy the oversight board of Pastor Ted’s former church, New Life, pronounced him “completely heterosexual”, and added,. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.” Pastor Ted will continue Christian therapy twice a week. His wife has never left his side. She knows that if Jesus can forgive wickedness then she can too.

Like wives of old, Mrs. Haggard knows that marriage
isn’t always a picnic

I hope this serves as an uplifting and educational story for our homosexual readers. Ted Haggard wasn’t born gay. He let his guard down and became prideful. When that happens you might as well just give Satan the keys to your house, because he’s coming in anyway. But more importantly, you, too, can kick Satan in the butt with proper therapy and diligence.

Think of it! If Ted Haggard is no longer gay, then there’s hope for you!

A problem shared is a problem halved - and then eradicated! Just enlist the aid of the one and only Revd. Dr Magnus Bucks.

Visit our problems page - Right now!

Here at STR.com we really do care every day. And one of the things we care about is you, the reader. Over the past year - since Shelley first began telling the real truth on this great site - there’s been some great debate and some fascinating commentary for you people out there. Thank you!

It’s also become apparent, however, that many of you are quite insane, a long way from Our Lord Jesus Christ and filled with wrong-headed notions. Privately I’ve even had cause to wonder if some of our readers’ minds are actually occupied with demons.

For a long time now, I’ve wondered if you don’t need succour and stronger spiritual support. Especially those of you that live in Godless countries like France, Germany and Europe! And even those of you who live in Godless cities like New York and homosexual hang-outs like San Francisco and Miami!

That’s why I’m especially pleased to announce that a good friend of mine is joining the STR team today with the specific aim of healing your souls and answering the more moral kinds of questions we don’t get to address as much on the main pages of STR.com.

He’s called Reverend Magnus Bucks, he’s our own Pastor here at STR.com and he’s one of the greatest preachers alive today. He promises each and every all of you that he can bring you back to Jesus ? and make you healthy and wealthy in the process.

Pastor Bucks will help iron out all the rough edges in your life!

Whenever I have worries and there are things I don’t understand I turn to my Pastor, the Dr Reverend Magnus Bucks. He offers me all the support and succour I need and there’s no one I’d rather have by my side when I pray God and Jesus. That’s why I’m delighted to be the one telling you that he has agreed to take up this new position on the STR.com team.

He’ll be on call to answer your questions most days, so why not just pop over to the new ‘problem page’ to see what he has to say!! Your old friends Shelley, Tristan, Billy-Bob and even myself from time to time will also be pitching in to add our own advice and guidance.

So if you need advice, look no further!

So come on! Get those emails coming in!

And even if you don’t think you’ve got a problem, why not take a look over at the new page anyway? It’s great! And you might just learn something.

Jesus! Oh Jesus! Thank you Jesus!

Sam Johnston

P.S. Please note, the image of Pastor Bucks is just an artist’s impression. We don’t want to expose our good friend to terrorist or muslim attacks in his home town by revealing his exact likeness.